I have plenty of disappointments, eventual achievements and many lessons learned. Today when i woke up i tried to listen to the absolute confidence voice with in me. It’s been almost half a year that i live in shadow. Maybe, i’m also in denial. I ignore the truth for it hurts me so much. I put a different image in my mind and from there i created a different scene. Wishful thinking provides significant changed but it never last.
I devoured every books i could lay on my hands to enhance my knowlege in dealing with my broken heart. Dr. Phil Mc Graw, Joyce Meyer, Mitch Albom so many to mention author yet i arrived empty handed. It only helped to relax my mind but the truth on these matter i always go back to the first step. I felt totally disconnected with my body, like my mind has its own world and my heart wants a different environment too.
I was deceived and humiliated in a very lowest form i could imagine but has given forgiveness easilly. Is it because i love the person so much or because i was raised not to entertain madness in my heart? Is it really wrong to get mad? I always keep mum and stay patient even if its suffocates me because hiding my real ordeal give me sense of assurance that i am capable of moving on. But the sad part i forgot the sense of leaning on to somebody. I shut them out in my system for i dont want them to be part of my burden but as my Mama told me, they too can feel the pain. The more i kept it from them, the more i remain powerless to unload my burden.
It just got to the point where i needed to choose and sometimes there isn’t a way to compromise. Broken promises and selfish embraces affects my entire existence. My mind was stuck and stunned. I stared myself in a mirror, bewildered. I am trying to understand why my steps remain unsteady. The wide open path in my front confused me futher.
Yes, it is a truth that i’m still hurting but its also a naked truth that i made my first step in closing the door. I did the first move not the other way around. I remembered vividly the promises i made too but i have no option only to break and unlock the chain that put me in imaginary cell.
I don’t want to escape and run anymore. I will face it head up high. I’m tired of pretending, tired of waiting for you to change. Sure, its not easy, it doesn’t happen overnight but i believe it will come. Acceptance is the key to find my purpose in life and determination will get me there in the rainbow. (hahaha) Today, i am my own master!
The rainbow is waiting. I knew this time around its for real. I will continue chasing my destiny untill time comes i can say, FINALLY I AM HOME!